Managing relationship is an essential skill to be mastered, to become successful in, no matter, any area of life! Because no matter how successful you are, but if you fail to manage your relationships well, then you will never ever feel happy, fulfilled or successful either. Giving and getting love from our loved ones, family mates, our colleagues, business associates, life partners (rather I should say, life ‘partner’) and feeling loved is not a human desire; but it’s a human need. Yes! You cannot live in a crappy relationship all your life. You need to feel loved, significant and alive to experience unlimited success.
Now, starting with family relationship. Relationship with your life partner. I hear a lot of people saying a variety of different things regarding this.
“Aditya, You know what? ‘Long distance relationship is impossible!’”
“You can’t have love and a successful career both at once, you just gotta choose one of them!”
“As relationship gets older; it loses the grip, it’s hard to sustain. You can’t sustain a relationship too long.” (According to me, as relationship gets older, it gets more and more deeper)
“Relationships have very short life span.”
“Aditya! Come here, I’ll tell you the shortest-true-story with a profound moral: ‘Once there was a very happy man…! And then he got married! Moral of the story: You can choose either to be happy or to be married!’”
“Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce”
I hear a lot of such F###ing SHIT from a lot of different sources and a variety of men and women as well.
One day in my session, I got a chance to interact with a very interesting man. He had opted for love marriage with his partner and now was unhappy. He loved that woman few years ago, and now when they are married, he is fed up of her. And I asked him what everyone would normally ask him, “What is the difference between love and marriage?! I mean… Can you describe the gap between love and marriage? Initially you loved her and now when you married the same woman you are fed up of her, how can this happen?”
He answered this whole long comprehension in just a line. He said,
“Sir, you know what? LOVE IS BLIND but MARRIAGE IS AN EYE-OPENER!”
Well, jokes apart. But now a days, we are literally striving, surviving and stretching up in our relationships.
“A quality relationship is the essence of an extraordinary life!”
You can never ever experience true happiness unless and until you have loving and sparkling relationship blossoming from each and every corner! Now a days, people are finding it hard to be with the one whom they once dreamt off!
So, let’s see that how can we keep the spark alive FOREVER! Yes! You heard it right, FOREVER!
#1: Be ‘PASSIONATE’ Every day!
The #1 reason why a relationship dies is the ‘lack of passion’. The first thing we need to understand is that, relationship is not at all something ‘casual’.
A great relationship needs the fuel of passion.
And passion cannot be acquired by being casual! You have to IGNITE passion, You need to create it. Can you remember how passionate you were at the beginning of a relationship? And what about today? Are you the same as you were? Are you still that much passionate as you were?
The first and the most important rule of a great relationship is ‘PASSION’. You have to ‘CREATE IT, AS IT IS NOT CASUAL’
Think about it for a moment; what does a healthy relationship according to you require? Jot your answers down, What must happen for you to feel loved? What are your rules for any relationship to be called as healthy? Is that the joy that you have will make you feel fulfilled or the time that you have together or What emotions you want in your relationship? Joy, happiness, passion, excitement, fun, love, playfulness, romance, intimacy… You can have your own answer. What I want to say is, whatever the answer is, for god’s sake don’t wait! Just CREATE IT! It won’t happen naturally. You have to ignite excitement, spread love, share moments, have fun, increase intimacy, decide to be happy all the time, create joy and LOVE PASSIONATELY!
Just try this tip, everyday try to be more passionate, more alive, more present, more mindful and more romantic in your relationship with your partner and then see the magic. Now a days, we are so busy with all sorts of stuff that we have started taking things for granted. Relationship cannot be nurtured as casually as you jerk off! You need to IGNITE PASSION. START NOW! BE MORE PASSIONATE!
#2: Plan Surprises:
Yes! Planning surprises on regular basis, keeps the joy and zest in relationship alive! Plan surprise dates, sometimes long trips and vacations with your partner. Spend some quality time with him/her. Create some ecstasy moments with your partner. Your partner will realize that you really care a lot for them and in return they will too be more caring, more lovable! And in bonus, by caring more about your partner, you too would feel good about yourself!
Surprises can be anything which they dream off! Plan some gifts, presents for them. They will feel loved and significant! Plan some awesome surprises on various occasions like anniversary or birthdays or some special days whatever you feel okay! And better than that, don’t just wait for days. Why should you wait for days to make your partner feel loved and significant? You just don’t need a reason for loving!
PLAN SURPRISES THOUGHTFULLY!
Well, you will say, “What do you mean Aditya?”
Here is the reason!
5th February, 2017.
After a full-day session, I was busy winding up things with my team. Yet my mind was busy with the great memories of that day’s session. My mind was pondering… ‘It was an awesome experience for me.’ Suddenly, I felt like someone was calling me,
“Sir, I’m Raghav”
And I thought wow! Still the game is on!
“Yes, Raghav! Say how can I help you?” My voice showed the same energy and enthusiasm.
“Sire! First of all, today’s seminar was a BLAST! However, I’m still facing some challenges in maintaining relationship with my woman. I’m trying my level best, but still… I don’t know why? But it has always been a challenge for me to cope up with her!”
On further inquiry, I got to know that their marriage anniversary was very close, and so I suggested him to plan something awesome for that day! A surprise which can shake off his wife! A surprise which she would have never ever expected from him!
At this moment, he was very much excited for his anniversary now! He went to home, jumping and bumping and thinking ‘something awesome’ for his wife.
After a few days, he came back to me, and I was eagerly waiting for his feedback!
“Sir, I did exactly as you suggested.”
My eagerness was at sky’s height!
“So now, is she happy with you?”
“Sir she left me alone…”
And then, we discussed everything in detail. I was still a bit eager to know what happened between the couple, that she left him alone. And I got to know what exactly he did.
First of all, Raghav quizzed all of his friends, co-workers, he didn’t even left his clients and associates and asked everyone the same question, ‘What should I gift my wife on our anniversary?’
After all, he finally settled o-n a huge bouquet of flowers-with a short message and a couplet inscribed on it.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, he called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest and most beautiful, adorable, bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note upon it,
‘HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YEAR NUMBER TWO’
He thought that this one would sound good. And along with that he also insisted the shopkeeper to inscribe a couplet upon it, whatever he feels good as.
The morning of the anniversary Raghav made sure that his wife Luzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the ‘bed’ room for her reaction, as expected the flowerman was on the door. He was thinking that this gift would win her heart and she would come upon jumping and bumping all across the floor. And in sometime, he heard a abnormal sound,
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?” Luzy screamed, angrily holding up his well thought note and the couplet attached to it, which read:
“HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! YOU’RE NUMBER TWO”
(And the couplet was something like…)
“AASU TERE NIKLE AUR ANKHEN MERI HOO,
DIL TERA DHADKE AUR DHADKAN MERI HOO,
KHUDA KARE HAMARI SHADI, ITNI, ITNI GEHRI HOO,
KI SADAK PE LOG TUMHE PITE AUR GALTI MERI HOO…”
So, the moral of the story is to give planned surprises!
#3: Stop living old stories!
This is again one of the most important tip, and this is a serious one! Whatever is past, let it pass. Because if you keep on rewinding all old stories, which have wounded your partner and which are hurting you now and they are costing you more love, ultimately making you feel bad about yourself and your partner.
The good tip is, to pass the past! What is over is over, but now and then we recall things of past and then unnecessarily make it our present issue. By the way, “If you drive your car while looking into the rear mirror, then I guess, I have a news for you… YOU ARE GOING TO CRASH!”
Giving shows that you’re making your partner a priority. Remember, if you contribute nothing, you get nothing. If you get nothing, it’s likely that you feel insignificant and unloved.
Instead, think about what you can give to your partner to make them feel filled, seen, and understand that they are your top priority. Create time for them. Let them too be on your calendar. Make sure you give enough time to your partner as you do to your business/job/career.
#5: Remember the fact, ‘You’re not animal!’
There’s an apocryphal story about President Coolidge and his wife visiting an experimental government farm that specialized in developing new approaches to efficiency. The President and Mrs. Coolidge were taken on separate tours, and when Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard, she noticed that the rooster was vigorously mating with the hens. “How often does that happen?” she asked her guide. “Oh, dozens of times per day,” he replied. “Well be sure to tell that to the President when he comes by.” When President Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard and his wife’s message had been relayed, he asked: “Does the rooster mate with the same hen every time?” “Oh no,” said the guide, “it’s a different hen every time.”
“Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” replied the President.
It’s an old joke but one with a kernel of truth in it: mammals have an instinctual need for novelty when it comes to sex. Male rats, after having mated with the receptive females housed with it will show a decreased interest in sex, even when the females are still interested. However, adding a new female rat instantly revived the male, who would proceed to immediately mate with the new female.
So, always remember, we are ‘human beings’. We do have the ability to sustain a long-term relationship. Everyday try to induce more passion in the relationship. See that how can it be more passionate? MAKE YOUR PARTNER YOUR #1 FAN!
#5: Practice ‘POSITIVE PROJECTION’:
Now, this is one of the greatest tips of all. It can be used in family relationships, relationships in business, with your life partner and everyone you meet. Now, what do I mean by ‘POSITIVE PROJECTION’? It simply means to always look for some good reasons for some event or behavior of your partner. And the best way to do this is to constantly ask yourself one simple question, ‘WHAT ELSE COULD THIS MEAN?’ The mathematics of doing this is pretty simple, ‘If you want to change your life, you need to ask yourself different questions then everyone else does in the same situation. And, different means, EMPOWERING! Because the quality of our lives is directly propotional to the questions we ask to ourselves. More empowering questions you ask, more uplifting answers you get and the better is your life.’
Today, Ramesh and Sangeeta were going to celebrate their third wedding anniversary. It was nearly, 8.00 am in the morning and Ramesh was about to leave for work. Before leaving he grabbed Sangeeta in his hands and whispered, “Today, be ready and reach to the ‘Blue Star Restaurant’ at 8.00 pm in the evening. I’ll be there in time.” Forgot to mension, Blue Star restaurant was the same one where they had their first date. ANd today, again they were going to meet up in the same restaurant.
It was 7.55pm and Ramesh had already reached the restaurant. And he was eagerly waiting for Sangeeta. Half an hour passed by, still, there was no sigh of Sangeeta. And now, he was frustrated. He started asking all sorts of different questions to himself about Sangeeta’s behavior.
‘She has always been very much casual in the relationship.’
‘She just doesn’t care at all’
‘She is never on time.’
And at last you are like an eroded volcano ‘SHE IS USELESS!’
Now, the fact of the matter is, when you are upset, you’re not upset because of what someone did, not because of what they said, but because of the meaning you’ve attached to it. You say “well, they said this and therefore it means that” or “She is always casual” It’s just your interpretation of the event. Hence, I always keep on saying at lot of my sessions and seminars, ‘If is not the events that does more difference than the meaning we attach to those events. It is always in our hands to decide what events mean to us.’
Hence it is always beneficial to practice positive projections. And the best way to do this is to ask ourselves a better question, ‘What else does this mean?’
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